by Mike Smith Alcoholism is a terrible disease. Like any disease of this seriousness, it affects not only the alcoholic; it has devastating impacts on family and friends. The lasting impact of the disease, however, is that it steals away so many memories of who that person actually was — or might have been — absent this disease. My father was an alcoholic, and he died at the age of 44. He essentially drank himself to death. It is easy to focus on his disease; after all, the impact on our family was catastrophic. I could talk about the impacts of my father’s alcoholism — how our family’s downward spiral resulted in financial ruin, or how we were torn apart. Many could, and probably have, viewed his life as a failure because he was not able to overcome or control his addiction. And one cannot argue that his full potential was never reached.
Like most of us, and certainly any father I know, my father was a complex individual. His successes were often overshadowed by his struggles. But on Father’s Day I choose to concentrate on the successes.
Like many Depression-era children, my father grew up relatively poor, in Castleton, and began his career in the early 1950s as an auto mechanic. Although he never attended college, he was a bright man and believed that hard work, mixed with ambition, would secure a more prosperous life for his young family. He was right. He rose to executive positions in local government because of his ability to gain the respect of those he met, especially those who worked for him. In retrospect, perhaps, he was tortured by his success, because the more he succeeded, it seemed the more he feared failure, which meant letting down those who had placed their trust, loyalty and love in him. Ultimately’ this fear consumed him, and the drinking began: first socially, and then constantly, until he couldn’t stop, although he tried several times.
But in his relatively short life he taught me many valuable lessons. He cared deeply about people and their circumstances. Maybe it had to do with his upbringing, but he could relate to those who were struggling, or those who had never been given a voice in their life’s circumstance. Their opinions mattered greatly to him, even more, it seemed, than the opinions of the more fortunate in life.
I remember one lesson in particular. In grade school I accompanied him to a meeting where he was speaking with employees. I was amazed that as the boss he wasn’t telling them what they needed to do, but instead was seeking their input and suggestions. The vision I had of a boss — mostly from watching television — was one who barked orders. Confused, I asked afterward why he didn’t tell people what to do. “Because,” he explained, “you treat people the way you want to be treated.” He went on to say that you learn more, and become a better leader, when you seek diverse opinions, and in the end people respect you more for asking them for their input. This simple lesson has stayed with me throughout my professional life, and it has served me well over the years.
My father’s memory will always be overshadowed by his addiction. But his legacy isn’t alcoholism; It’s the qualities of caring for others that he instilled in me.
As a society, it sometimes feels like we selfishly relish the failure of others. None of us is perfect. And anyone who has raised children knows the joy, stress, frustration, fear and overwhelming sense of love you feel as a parent.
In fact, as I write this, I think of our world, where events with enormous consequence frequently rattle our faith in humanity. Yet even in our darkest days, if we seek it, we can find the lessons of love. These are the lessons that move us forward and hopefully compel us to be more compassionate and understanding.
Think of your dad on this Father’s Day, and recall the very best lesson or experience you shared and hold on to it. And if you’re lucky enough to still have your dad in your life, you might even tell him about it.
Happy Father’s Day!
Mike Smith was the secretary of administration and secretary of human services under former Gov. Jim Douglas. He is the host of the radio program, “Open Mike with Mike Smith,” on WDEV 550 AM and 96.1, 96.5 and 101.9 FM. He is also a political analyst for WCAX-TV and WVMT radio and is a regular contributor to The Times Argus, Rutland Herald and Vermont Business Magazine.